Author’s note: Although this article addresses the issue of grief during the holidays when there has been a death loss, it is important to recognize that there are many other losses which bring with them feelings of grief. These may include family estrangements, broken relationships and dreams, separations due to military deployments, job loss, or the death of a pet. This grief is genuine also, and ought not to be diminished. Rather, please be kind to yourself as you go through this celebration season … honor your individual grief, no matter the source of your sadness.
When we have suffered the death of someone loved, the idea of holiday celebrations may cause anxiety and dread rather than joy. There is stark contrast between the merriment and festivities of the season and the deep ache and desolation of our own heart. How can we possibly enjoy this time when our heart is broken? We want to run away and hide … do nothing … turn the calendar ahead to the next year. We often feel conflicted and confused, depressed and misunderstood. Although it is hard for us to believe, there really is hope and promise at this time of year.
What is necessary for healing and survival is our willingness and courage in the face of holiday challenges. It is important to be gentle with ourselves, to share our feelings with people we trust and to ask for what we need. We can find moments of joy and find renewed meaning and purpose in life, but it will not happen without conscious effort. Healthy mourning now is about choices to affirm life and love. We will need to make choices wisely this season.
One of the first steps in coping with grief at Christmas is to be prepared and intentional. Rather than letting things “just happen,” begin now to take some measure of control. Acknowledge the reality of this enormous loss and try to not run from it. Decide as a family what traditions you wish to keep this year, and which things are non-essentials to be modified or eliminated. Consider your limits of time, money, and energy. Communicate those limits to others, and help them to understand your present needs and lowered expectations for what can be tolerated this year. Let yourself be open to offers of help as you try new ways of doing things. Whatever you do, keep things simple, but meaningful.
Some days will be better than others. Give yourself permission to say “NO” if an activity is too difficult or stressful. Let yourself banish the words “should,” “ought” and “must” from your vocabulary. Customize holiday activities and observances for your current and often variable needs. Allow for fluctuations in mood or energies. Be mindful that where you are in the healing process may affect your needs and choices for celebration. That being said, however, try to balance solitude with sociability. Say “no” when necessary but “yes” when appropriate.
Remember, too, that a healthy support system (which may include friends, colleagues, church members, counselors, neighbors, etc.) is valuable in surviving the challenges of the next several weeks. Spend time with those who can comfort and support you now. Find compassionate companions for your grief journey, and minimize contact with those who cannot understand your present limits and changed reality. Yet, extend grace to those who fail you emotionally during this painful season. Be gentle with yourself, too, and accept all of your feelings. You might feel jealous of those who are not grieving, whose families and relationships are intact. Be patient as each day unfolds … trust that you will not always feel as you do now.
In addition, try to find ways to symbolically include your deceased loved one in your activities (light candles, hang a special ornament, make a donation in their name, prepare their favorite foods, etc.). Mention your loved one’s name often and remind others that you want to hear stories and share favorite memories of years past. Yes, there will be tears as you recall “what used to be,” but they will be tears that honor the life of a person who was significant and cherished.
It is certainly possible to find moments of joy as you mourn during this Christmas season, but it will not happen without intention and effort on your part, without making choices that affirm life and love. Be kind to yourself, especially now. As the weeks unfold, and as you choose those places and people that offer the care, support and comfort you need, you will feel more peace … moment by moment, day by day.